Tension, there is only tension in this period! 11/12/12

Why when something goes in the right direction, everything has to go wrong? Everything was great. I started to be positive again, my love story was great, I was being more concentrated in school and got pleasant grades. We haven’t fought for almost a month, we were happy and without any problems in our minds. We faced our daily problems hand in hand and with a smile in out face. Every text was a pleasure to read, however now, it causes only tension, my heart starts to beat so fast that I start to feel the heat inside of my body, I start to sweat cold and I feel the heart beats in my throat. My hands shake whenever I have to pick up the phone and when I see the long messages, I start to imagining what he could have written and prepare myself for the horrible and unpleasant moment. 

I wanted to go outside of your school, when you finish your school day and during my lunch time. One side of me is telling that this would be a great idea, so that we could talk earlier, understand the problem and resolve it, without keeping all the tension inside of us. While the other side of me, is telling me that this is a horrible idea, because he once said that I can’t come to him in front of school, because it may seem that I’m obliged of doing so. This is only a childish argument, because what if I would like to go one day, see him and ask him how things are doing, would he accept seeing me or would he just ignore me? I think that today it’s better not going to him, because he is already upset and angry, if I decide to go to him, this could just make him mad and create more complications. 

I also think that I shouldn’t run after that boy, my boyfriend. I think that I should have also my personal pride and dignity. I should respect more myself and be more positive, in whatever things I’m doing. I think that he is sure that he will not loose me, because he is much more strong and powerful than me. He knows that whatever thing will happen, I will be always by his side, I will always apologize and mortified for what I have (or haven’t) done. He is not afraid of loosing me, because he knows that I will always follow him, I think that in some way, he is also taking advantage of this thing. He feels like a king (not in a negative way), but because he feels that he can have everything under his power. This is a characteristic of almost all men, they want to be right.