“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
― Paulo Coelho

A letter to my dad... 17/10/12

Hello dad,
I miss you... 
This period of time just made me sunk in the deepest of the ocean and of my depression. I don't want that, I'm young and I have to be happy. 
You know that me and Andrea are having a pause from our relationship! He said that we can't continue like this, because I was never happy! I created problems where they didn't even exist. Maybe this happened with me when I was still a little kid! I know that I was a very happy girl and happiness was always surrounding me, but something happened, something changed. I still don't know what! But it made me sad and lonely! When I started high school I saw all my friends with other friends and they all were happy! Instead I was closed up, I thought that I would find happiness inside of me one day! Mum always told me to concentrate in school and I would have all my life to have fun and have friends to go out with. That's why I was always closed inside my room! I was concentrated in school, I wanted to be the best. My grades weren't the perfect once, but I was the student that always studied and that tried very hard. I was always insecure and had to self confidence!!! I looked at my classmates which were happy and had boyfriends. They had love and I didn't! I wanted to be loved too. But I thought that I was horrible and not too pretty! I wanted to change! I started to not eat, I started to get thinner and all the people started asking questions to me, they made a lot of compliments of my figure and I was so happy of their attention to me. I liked being in the center of the attention I like being liked by others! For 3 years I liked a boy! We went in the same dance class. I became the best dancer in our class, because I wanted him to notice me! I found the courage to talk to him and to invite him our! I thought that he would make me happy! I passes very nice moments and afternoons with him! I also invited friends and dance friends to have a swimming pool party, only to be with the boy I liked! However I never thought of us having a nice future together! I only thought about the present and how happy I was staying 3 meters next to him! This was happiness for me! He made me feel loved and I started gain my confidence! I started to feel beautiful and pretty! However after some time, a friend of mine told me that he didn't like me! I was so sad that I thought that nothing else could work out in my life! But I was stronger! I didn't close myself in my room for days crying, instead I went out with friends, I started being happy with friends on a friday or saturday nights! I felt the freedom of being a young woman, a real adolescent. Then one night, I went out with my friends and I met him, Andrea! I didn't even care about him, because I thought that I'm strong and I could go on with my life without him! I didn't believe in love, I was giving up! But then he started writing me and I started smiling again. He made me happy, he made me feel loved! You have no idea of the adrenaline that I had in my body when we kissed! We went away from all the other friends and he made me feel like if I was dying. He held me up and our lips touched! I hope I will touch his lips again! He is the only one that makes me feel happy! At the start I was also scared, because I thought that I would be only his and I had to forget about all the other things that made me happy, like friends and going out! But no, he was different from all the other boys! He gave me my freedom, but I always wanted to be with him, because I thought that I would loose him! Mum says that this is not good if someone in the couple is afraid of loosing someone, because otherwise we would live in the fear, because we don't want to loose each other! I liked when he did anything to see me! He went out of work earlier to see me, he came to my dance school to hug me and to ask how was I or he came to my house for just 5 minutes, I went out and we talked for hours sitting on the front part of the car. We sometimes were talking about stupid things, but they made us happy! We also went out in some places and had little journeys! I liked very much when he had the initiatives! I remember one day we went to the mountains and had a walk with some other friends! We were cold and happy! The atmosphere was full of love! I started caring about my image and how I looked, I always wanted to be perfect for him. I loved when he told me compliments! I also remember when I cooked cookies for him. I'm not a very good chef, but I did anything for him! He was always surprised when I brought him something new! His smile was magical and so powerful, that his silence made me feel home and loved! 
I don't know why I started to be sad again, maybe because I started fighting with mum. I talked with Andrea about my feelings and I think that he didn't understand fully why I tried to find the problem, when in reality there was not actual problem! He was annoyed of my "non existing problems", but still he tried to solve them with me, he gave me advices, but most of the time I didn't follow them, because I didn't know how to speak with my mother! I always wrote her letters, but there was no contact between us! This is the bad thing! I always tried to solve the problems, but I didn't know how, because I didn't have them! My mind was fucking with me! I was finding problems were there weren't! Now that me and Andrea are having a pause, I have to find happiness and peace with myself! I have no problems to solve, because I created them! The only thing that makes me feel bad, is the fact that I'm not able to talk! This is my problem! I talked with mum today, I was not afraid of what I was telling her, because I knew that she could only give me advices and good suggestions! 
The real happiness that I have to find with Andrea, is just being able to speak with him! I'm strong and I know that I can do it! 
Now I understand that I was sad because I couldn't talk to the person I loved! If I will able to talk to him without any problems, I will solve my little problem, the only one that I have!
I need to be happy with myself and I think I have found the solution! Not only writing, because that's easy to do, but my taking! Talking and expressing my feelings with words!

Thank you dad for your attention!
Hope to see you soon...!